You know, Friday rolls around, and I can't wait for my weekend to start. Nothing to do but be lazy, hang out and enjoy myself, right??
Here's the deal. Saturday always comes crashing around me. No plans, Jody heads off to the junk yard for hours, and I'm home... alone. Yeah, I suppose I should clean up around here, cause if I don't then it wont get done. I could call my kids... Oh wait!!! only one wants to talk to me, and that's only if I want to come get her and do something totally fun, like go to the beach. Don't get me wrong, I don't want Jody to stop going to the junkyard, it's what he's done for years! I've had FUN going with him in the past, but to tell you the truth, if it's hotter than 75 degrees, standing around in the sandy-ish soil, looking as cars isn't really my idea of fun. So, since I have no friends, no family, no life, I sit around feeling sorry for myself. Looks like the vicious cycle is going to begin all over again.
I know it's not up to someone else to make me happy. I just am b*tchslapped every weekend with the realization of how much I gave up to be happy. And then, sometimes, I wonder if I am happy. Yeah, when Jody and I are having a conversation, or even just hanging and holding hands, I'm happy. When I'm playing with the babies in my room, I'm happy. It's when I'm alone, when the house is quiet, when I see the closed bedroom doors that used to belong to my children, then I'm not. When I sit alone for hours and hours because I don't know if we are going to have plans for the rest of the day, when I have no idea if there is anything to do in the area, and I'm not 100% sure how to find out, when I'm afraid to start a friendship, because there is the definite possibility that we may move, and soon... well, then the water works start, and I can't seem to stop.
I gave up so much for this relationship. My son hates.. HATES me, my oldest's fiance seems to be doing everything in his power to sour my relationship with her, and my youngest loves me, but if I don't fit into her schedule then I'm quickly forgotten. My mother and I had just barely come to an understanding and dare I say a mutual respect, and then I had to go and blow that by being honest. I'm not sure that we'll ever get back on track.
In the past, I could go for a drive, clear my thoughts, find a park and chill, get home and be ok. Well, the moment I get in my car all I can think is, If I drive NOW, that means I'll have to put gas in sooner, how many trips to work would this pay for?
Ok, so in the middle of my crying, the door opens, and in walks Jody. He tries to comfort me, and he apologizes for making me cry. It's so hard to explain to him that I'm just lonely, and I in NO WAY, SHAPE or FORM expect him to fulfill all my needs. that's not fair, it's not right. It's just..... lonely out here in the boondocks. But he did say something about sending me out to see my sisters one weekend, considering the fact that the VA job isn't even close to being a possibility. Hummm.. wheels are turning... Yes, I'm feeling a wee bit better, but if anyone has any suggestions on how to find stuff to do... I'm all eyes!!!